She Advocates for Herself—And She Taught Me How To Do It, Too
Advocating for yourself is a skill that takes time, experience, and confidence to develop. Many adults struggle with it, and for children, especially those who are neurodivergent, it can feel like an insurmountable challenge. Yet, one of the most consistent pieces of feedback I receive from teachers, coaches, and healthcare providers about my daughter:
“She is good at advocating for herself.”
Most 12-year-olds haven’t yet developed the self-awareness or communication skills to articulate their struggles, needs, or accommodations. Many children don’t even understand what they’re going through, let alone how to verbalize it. Yet, my daughter does. She recognizes when she needs support. She voices her needs clearly. She stands up for herself in ways that many adults, myself included, struggle to do.
Her ability to self-advocate is no accident. It’s the result of deliberate effort, support, and education. I’ve navigated my own mental health challenges since I was a teen, but unlike my daughter, I had no guidance, no validation, and no language for what was happening to me. I grew up confused, overwhelmed and often ashamed. It wasn’t until my 30s that I received the correct diagnosis, and even now, I’m still learning how to manage and cope.
Because of those experiences, I made a promise: my daughter would not grow up the way I did. I committed to making sure she had access to the knowledge, tools, and confidence I never had. I immersed myself in child psychology, coping strategies, and accommodations. But most importantly, I taught her that her voice matters.
One of the first things I told her: No one can read your mind. If you need something, you have to speak up. But before she could speak up, she had to learn how to understand what she needed. That self-awareness came slowly, through trial and error, reflection, and a lot of open conversations. She learned to recognize when she was overwhelmed. She learned to name the accommodations that help her succeed. She learned that asking for help wasn’t weakness, it was wisdom.
What I didn’t expect was how much I’d learn from her. Watching her confidently express her needs inspired me to do the same. I’ve spent decades minimizing my struggles, staying quiet, being “easy”. But seeing her own her voice made me realize: my needs are valid, too. Advocating for myself, whether in relationships, mental health, or work, isn’t selfish.
It’s essential.
Here are seven key things I’ve intentionally taught my daughter to help her build the confidence and skills to advocate for herself—lessons that, honestly, many of us adults are still learning too.
- Name the Feeling, Own the Need
We started with emotional vocabulary. When she was younger, I’d ask, “Can you tell me what you’re feeling right now?” If she said “bad,” we’d explore what “bad” felt like—was it nervous, overwhelmed, bored? Naming emotions gave her a way to express herself clearly. Once she could name it, she could explain what she needed: “I’m overwhelmed. I need a break.” That small shift changed how she asked for support in class. - Scripts Are Your Friend
When anxiety kicks in, it’s hard to think clearly. So, we practiced scripts at home for different scenarios. Things like: “Can I take a break and come back to this?” or “I need a quiet space to concentrate.” One day, during a particularly loud assembly, she leaned over to her teacher and asked if she could wait in the hallway for a few minutes. She used one of her scripts—and it worked. - Normalize Mistakes and Redos
We’ve had many conversations about how advocating doesn’t always go perfectly—and that’s okay. Once, she told a teacher she needed a break but ended up in tears when the teacher didn’t respond kindly. We talked it through, and I encouraged her to try again the next day with a different approach. She did, and the teacher responded better. That moment taught her that one setback doesn’t mean failure. - Learn From Mistakes
There are times when she has been overstimulated, dysregulated, or overwhelmed and has responded less than appropriately towards teachers of peers. We talk about the situation and how we respond to that situation next time. It is okay to make mistakes, the important thing is to learn from them.
- Create a Safe Home Base
Advocacy takes courage, especially when the world doesn’t always meet you with kindness. I remind her that home is her safety net. She can always come to me to vent, plan her next steps, or just feel seen. Once, after a tough day, she came home and said, “I had a rough day.” We talked about it over some ice cream, and she went back the next day ready to try again. She knows now she can vent her day as soon as she gets in the car and will be met with a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and comforting hugs. - Celebrate Assertiveness
We celebrate the wins—big and small. Whether it’s raising her hand to clarify instructions or telling a friend she needs space, we cheer those moments. I want her to associate advocacy with pride, not shame. I still remember when she came home glowing because she had asked if she could see her trusted adult to recenter herself and was able to go back to class and turn the day around. We did a little dance and had an extra treat that afternoon. - Model What You Teach
I’ve realized that teaching her to advocate for herself means I have to model it, too. When I ask my family for space to recenter, ask for an extension on an assignment, or explain my mental health needs to someone, I tell her. She needs to see that grown-ups advocate too—and that it’s normal, necessary, and powerful. Sometimes, when I feel unsure or scared to speak up, I think of her doing it, and it gives me the courage to do the same.
Watching my daughter navigate the world with confidence and clarity fills me with pride. She is proof that, with the right tools and support, kids can advocate for themselves in ways that change their future. And because of her, I’m learning to change mine, too.
We all deserve to be heard. Whether we’re 12 or 42, it’s never too late to speak up, ask for what we need, and honor our own voice.
I’d love to hear from you, whether you’re raising a self-advocate, learning to become one yourself, or still finding your footing. What’s helped you speak up? What have you taught your kids? Let’s start a conversation.
You’re not alone here.
